I AM a representative of the former British Empire and the current Commonwealth of Nations; I am the descendant of Victorian Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli and the son of an RAF pilot. I did
not graduate with First Class honours from Cambridge University and since then have not entered the Foreign Office’s prestigious diplomatic corps.
‘The Northern Plights’ documents my assessment of Sweden for the possibility of any future conquests which the British Government’s War Cabinet is
Let me ask you a hypothetical question – use the might of your British Born Brain to answer it; use every ounce of your Commonwealth Commonsense and your wealth of Empire Endorsed Experience. Now…would you buy a used car from this man?
Let me preempt your answer: “Not on your Nellie, Mr Dippylomat esq”, and I would whole-heartedly agree with you. A slick backed Status Quo-inspired ponytail and an earring last seen on one half of 80s pop sensation duo Bros – you might as well hand your
hard-earned inherited cash over to a man in a sheepskin coat selling genuine Swiss ‘Polex‘ watches in a backstreet Moroccan market.
Now let me reveal the true identity of this man as Anders Borg – Sweden’s Minister for Finance, chief economist and, err, self-proclaimed feminist. The Swedes not only trust him with their spare kronor – they trust him with ALL their kronor.
This man who has seemingly not only kept the Swedeconomy afloat, but positively sailing like a Viking longship – while much of Europe, nay the world (apart from the Chinese bit), bob around like Titanic flotsam.
Economically Sweden is always circling the top of the ‘Countries with the Best..’ and loitering near the bottom of the ‘Countries with the Worst…’ charts. Someone somewhere is clearly doing something very right and as Britain haemorrhages money like a drunk pensioner at a Las Vegas slot machine, we REALLY need to know how. But is Anders Borg – a man who looks like he went to his bespoke tailor and said ‘the wife beater look please’ – actually responsible?
I, for a distinguished one, think not.
Let’s have a little poke around the list of countries the UN thinks, all things considered, have a sterlingly-strong economy. Comfortably within the Top 10 are Norway, with a seabed bulging at the seams with oil; Switzerland, with a stash of looted Nazi gold under the bed and Sweden, with a surplus of…IKEA beds. All nice little earners admittedly, but methinks there is more to their secret than meets the monocled-eye.
Now let me draw your attention to the Big Mac Index, the key to explaining to The Under Classes the world of economics using the only language they understand – McDonalds’ burgers. Do you REALLY think it is pure coincidence that the three most expensive Big Macs in the world can be found in Norway, Sweden and Switzerland (click me for
So when these suit-clad financial leaders claim to have solved the global depression we are currently wallowing in, don’t assume it is down to number crunching, fiscal policy and quantitative easing, all they do is persuaded McDonalds to hike up the price of a Big Mac and wait for the calorie-fuelled tax coffers to roll in.
If you REALLY want to understand the baffling concepts behind global economics, don’t listen to a man having a mid-life crisis with a matching ponytail, you’re better off listening to Ronald McDonald!
I need to skedaddle, my side-project beckons – keep your eyes peeled for my own fast food chain – Burger Emperor.
ATTENTION BOTH THE FOREIGN OFFICE AND EMPIREES: The £Pound has gone down the proverbial pan, the $Dollar is as weak as a baby chick with brittle bone disease and the €Euro is sunning itself on a Greek beach…let me introduce you to the Dippy – the new kid on the currency block. A 50Dip note will be sent to the next 10 subscribers.