I AM a representative of the former British Empire and the current Commonwealth of Nations; I am the descendant of Victorian Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli and the son of an RAF pilot. I did
not graduate with First Class honours from Cambridge University and since then have not entered the Foreign Office’s prestigious diplomatic corps.
‘The Northern Plights’ documents my assessment of Sweden for the possibility of any future conquests which the British Government’s War Cabinet is
DISPATCH 10: Gentlemen folk.
The dusty old Foreign Office top brass has
not telegraphed me and I have n’t, in Diplomatic Terms, been given a bit of a dressing down. While my Dispatches are of considerable value to the Future of the British Empire, my last missive was considered both ‘trivial’ and ‘trite’. The powers that be informed me that my scribblings centring on Swedish topless models was little more than an idle waste of right-honourable man-hours.
It is time to get back to the nitty gritty. This is meant to be serious stuff; there is
n’t a possible war effort at stake.
Whichever way you shake an oak tree stick at it, if you go to war then your enemy will largely be made up of soldiers of a male persuasion. And what better way to understand an army than by understanding the individual man, and what better way of understanding the individual man than by understanding the heritage, history and culture of that man?
So let’s then look at Swedish Men throughout the ages.
Here is, arguably, the original Swede:
This handsome chap is one of the ‘Sami people’, the foolhardy natives who were the first to say ‘Aw, c’mon, it’s not THAT cold, let’s stay here’. The British History books are drenched with the blood of such
savages natives – although the tomes housed in the Foreign Office’s library have been bleached white to preserve the honour of Dippylomats before me.
Native people have proved in the past to be a bit of a public relations disaster and we must avidly avoid going back down that road. Of course any intent to dominate/eradicate the Swedes at large might be further complicated if a small minority of them were the descendants of cave graffiti artists from 6,000 years ago. In the proposed United Kingdom of Sweden, ALL grafitti will be banned – no matter the historical significance or artistic merit…flippin’ hoodlums the lot of them, whether they were wearing a hoodie or an animal fur.
Fortunately for the future British inhabitants, much of our dirty work has already been done here. The Swede of the blonder ilk has already cherry picked the good bits of the land in return for letting the Sami live in the ‘cold bit’ and farm reindeer. They further ‘tease’ the Sami people by not letting them use fences enabling the reindeer to wander vast areas of, quite frankly, blimmin’ nippy tundra.
So let’s discount the Sami from the fighting equation, the few that are left are too busy giving chase to animals far better equipped to the terrain than they are.
Then there was this type of Swede, and, I’ll be the first to admit it, we do NOT want to engage in fisticuffs with anyone with Viking blood in their inferior yet feisty veins.
Back in the barbaric day, the motley crew which made up the Viking hoards had a stab (and a hack and a bludgeon) at starting an Empire. Mention Swedish history to The Average Brit™ and they will probably think that the Swedes made it to our fair isle. But here’s a little secret you only find in Sweden’s museums small print – while the braver and more ferocious Danes plundered our shores, the bi-behorned Swedes were paddling as fast as their little oars could take them – in the opposite direction! Yes, that’s right; at NO point has a Swedish Viking been brave enough to kick off in one of our seaside towns. Does Viking blood sound like a threat to you now? Wusses and lily-livered wimps, the whole lot of them.
So who inspired the latest generation of fighting Swedes? The answer to that is this chap, one Mr Alfred Bernhard Nobel:
People will quote all manner of drivel about this gent; sure he may have invented dynamite, but what is he best known for? Of course, the Nobel Peace Prize. Sweden celebrate ‘peace’ annually and have not been at war since 1814, does that sound like an army primed for action? Methinks not.
I think, at the very best, we’ll face an army of peace-loving part-timers who probably enjoy historical reenactments…it should be like a Sunday stroll in the park
Tonight I’m escorting the Ambassador’s wife to the theatre; I mustn’t be late, I don’t want to make Victoria Cross.
The New Empire will be a very different place; non-subscribers will be considered traitors.