I AM a representative of the former British Empire and the current Commonwealth of Nations; I am the descendant of Victorian Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli and the son of an RAF pilot. I did
not graduate with First Class honours from Cambridge University and since then have not entered the Foreign Office’s prestigious diplomatic corps.
‘The Northern Plights’ documents my assessment of Sweden for the possibility of any future conquests which the British Government’s War Cabinet is
DISPATCH 9: Lady folk.
To be an Empire Property Scout you need
not to swot up on every country you are n’t assigned – every cough and spit ever produced must be studied and digested. But before that you need to learn about who WE are; how can I boast about Britannia, how can I try to convert others to our way of CIVILisation if indeed I do not fully understand what it is I am endorsing and exporting? That would be considered pure arrogance, that was the mistake the British Abroad made last time, and God forbid we find ourselves with another Rhodesia mishap on our collective bone china plate.
I have spent years in the British Library leafing through documents ranging from Magna Carta to bemusingly best-selling Jackie Collins pulp. Some of this reading is interminably dull, but occasionly it can be titillating. I was born and raised a true gent, but even I struggled to suppress my ‘Inner Pwoaar’ when I saw my next point of research was the British institution of Page 3 Girls.
Ever read about the history of Page3? While it is now a global phenomenon, the whole sordid concept embarrassingly started in the United Kingdom in The Sun
newspaper rag in 1969. I jest you not, I got to PAGE THREE of my research when I discovered the first EVER, seductively clad, model was a Swede by the name of Ulla Lindström.
Personally, before my assignment, I had largely based my knowledge of the fairer Swede on information gleaned from National Lampoon Vacation flicks and stereotypes – I predicted young Ms Lindström would do little to challenge that preconception.
Swedish Girl + Page 3 = Double Pwoaar
I Google Imaged as a matter of urgency, and here she is…or rather, here THEY are:
At first I suspected that what I was looking at was a junior and senior version of the same lady. But lo’ and behold, and who’d have thought it, there is in fact more than one person who has this identity scrawled across their birth certificate. It is quite obvious which one prompts a ‘pwoaar’, but only the scantest of research reveals that the other prompts a ‘cor…blimey’.
Ms Fuddy Duddy you see is considered one of the most powerful leader ladies of the 20th Century. In fact, across both genders her list of achievements is remarkable. The likes of Barack Obama will sooner rather than later better her curriculum vitae, but he certainly has not yet and the odds of him ever being the first female acting prime minister of Sweden are slim to say the least.
Both these characters, as it turns out, are (or in Fuddy Duddy’s case ‘was’) iconic Swedes. Ms Swedish Page-Three, charming though she undoubtedly is, represents only one characteristic of the Lady Swede, namely blonde and pwoaar-ish. But, as an advanced warning to any UK troops who may
not be stationed here, try your usual chat-up banter and there’s every chance you’ll be met with an hour long lecture about feminist issues.
There is a reason why Sweden boasts one of the best levels of gender equality in the world and you really, REALLY, REALLY do not want to hear those reasons while downing your fifth sherry of the evening and wondering how the Hollywood Stereotyping Department could have got it SO wrong.
So, if you want pwoaar-dom and not bore-dom print out this Dispatch and keep the photos in your wallets. You might also want to do yourself a favour and brush up on your Germaine Greer.
For the record, the FIRST EVER Page 3 photo.
I must crack on, this flat pack IKEA gentlemen’s club is not going to assemble itself.
Not subscribed yet? Hop to it you nincompoop! You’ll want to be on the right side after The Dippylomat has finished his Empire-building chores!