Dispatch #28 – Immigration.

I AM a representative of the former British Empire and the current Commonwealth of Nations; I am the descendant of Victorian Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli and the son of an RAF pilot. I did not graduate with First Class honours from Cambridge University and since then have not entered the Foreign Office’s prestigious diplomatic corps.

The Northern Plights’ documents my assessment of Sweden for the possibility of any future conquests which the British Government’s War Cabinet is not considering.

Know Your Enemy; it is one of the maxims I have lived my life by, or rather it is a maxim that I have got the staff to live my life by – I try not to get my hands grubby. Everyone knows who the Swedes are; they are the fair – both by nature and appearance – quiet ones who are geographically shunted to the outer reaches of The Empire Globe – out of sight, out of mind.

No surprises. At least not until, as I did, you open your Swedish window and gaze down upon the minions below – not all of them are blond/e, many of them are not white; some, I suspect, were not born here – their darker complexions wasted on the paltry summer sun which fleetingly graces this hinterland.

Who are these non-native folk and why on earth would they go to, of all places, this godforsaken, partially-Arctic utmost limit of the European mainland?

Take the city of Malmö for example, some 30 per cent of its inhabitants were not born in Sweden, add to that the second, third and fourth generation of immigrants who chose to embrace these bracing climes and you will soon understand why it is a bit of a cultural smörgåsbord.

Of course many come from neighbouring countries with only a vigorous hike or a train ticket required to get them Swedeside. In fact it is hard to tell whether these non-Swedes are immigrants or just, well, just lost. In the Scandinavian vodka belt one might very well meander off the chosen path or fumble and lose a return train ticket.

But not all these immigrant can come from Norway, Finland or Denmark; the exotic dress codes, the sobriety and the slightly more palatable food aromas wafting upon the icy breeze defy that rationale. Indeed, there are 171 different nationalities represented in this city alone.

Let us reflect on our own fair isle for a moment, the list of immigrant groups to the United Kingdom does read somewhat like a guilty conscience: ‘sorry about your country, old boy, here’s a London city slum and a dank bit of the north you can reside in as way of an apology…sorry about the weather, that was partly why we colonised you in the first place’. However, the demographics of Sweden read like everyone else’s guilty conscience; it has not declared war since 1814, it has not colonised anywhere since 1721. Empathy just rouses suspicion in a British born and bred brain, even now the UK offer overseas aid with a cowering ‘please don’t bomb us’ whimper.

As of 2010, 14.3 per cent of the inhabitants in Sweden were foreign-born. Of these, 9.2 per cent were sober and fully intended to be here (born outside the European Union) and 5.1 per cent were drunk/lost (born not that far away.)

I had a peruse through the list of Swedish demographic groups, it reads more like a roll call for a UN delegate brunch  for the least fortunate nations of modern history. Bosnians, Croats and Serbs came as their country cracked; Iraqis shot here as fast as allied forces shot their countrymen; Somalians swarmed from their brutalised-by-the-British homeland; Chileans choked by England-endorsed despotism left in droves Sweden-bound. It seems that Sweden is one of the very few nations not culpable for these disgraced Empires’ hangovers and misguided witch-hunt fallouts.

It is humbling to hear of these immigrants’ plights and the Swedes ability to overlook the world’s warmongering and dictatorial indiscretions, instead offering refuge to the victims. But, still, it does beg the obvious question, where will all the Swedes run to if the colonial cannons’ crosshairs are fixed upon them?

Toodle pip,




ATTENTION BOTH THE FOREIGN OFFICE AND EMPIREES: The new World Empire will not judge you on colour or creed, we’re not fussy, we want EVERYONE. Subscribe now to discover your destiny!

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About The Dippylomat, Esq.

A connoisseur, a charmer and a bit of a cad.
This entry was posted in Culture, Denmark, Ex pats, Finland, Gothenburg, Humour, Norway, Stockholm, Sweden, Travel and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to Dispatch #28 – Immigration.

  1. madakanto says:

    Greetings from your non-white follower…great post !

  2. Rebekah says:

    I found the statistics fascinating for starters… « Of these, 9.2 per cent were sober and fully intended to be here (born outside the European Union) and 5.1 per cent were drunk/lost (born not that far away.)» LOL

    • Her Regal Rebekah,

      And surely this land is culturally richer as a result of that sober percentage :)

      ~The Dippylomat esq.

      • Rebekah says:

        Every since I moved away; from Sweden to North America, I’ve been struck by the fact that I never see any boozers here. They don’t hang around the main square or outside the liquor store. This city, where I live now, is about the size of Örebro. I have, after three years here, not seen one drunk! Never did in Quebec City either.

        As soon as I stepped on the train from Kastrup to Eslöv, back in September, the first person who addressed me was drunk … on top of that he tried to speak English (?!) even though he was quite obvious from a neighbouring country to the east.

  3. Nkosazana says:

    Oh I just did my own little rant on this.. Eish man. Very sensitive subjekt here in Sweden!

  4. ladyfi says:

    Hurray for multi-culturalism! Sweden needs more immigrants.

    Great post.

  5. WOW. I don’t know if I can express myself even MORE vividly than that, (no, I am not ironic or sarcastic) but since it IS difficult expressing yourself by text (hence I am not a hotshot author), I still find myself just writing WOW. You have really hit the “nail on the head”. Superb. However, I do sometimes get the notion that there are a lot of other countries that are similar to how Sweden is developing into. (Or the other way around!?!?) All in a good sense mind you. After having lived in Vancouver I noticed that I felt at home either way, (Sweden and Canada) the culture itself was either a copycat of Swedish norms OR that I simply adjusted myself and adapted. Either way, I felt at home. Sweden has got a hint of Canadian and Britain if that’s the case, at least from my experience. If may of course vary, I have an open mind… I don’t know if this makes sense…. if it does, do tell. I have the feeling this comment may have turned a little too complicated than I intended it to be. :) Anyway, lovely writing as always, do continue!
    // E

  6. Ah, thanking you kindly Ms UnlimitedRoads,

    Indeed, it is only the UK and Sweden who have the same open door policy within the EU regarding immigrants and asylum seekers, although I believe the UK door is increasinly becoming less ajar. It is my understanding that the Canadian door is also marked EXIT in bigger letters than it is marked ‘entrance’, but in the past both those countries have offered refuge, although to be frank, the British do owe it to the rest of the world as a desperate bid to make amends for previous sins!

    ~The Dippylomat esq.

  7. SwedeGee says:

    Well, I achieved my much coveted invandrare status by marrying a Swede. ;) Only 3 more years of unemployment to look forward to, then it is back to the U.S of A, where I will resume my status as native born, speaker of the Queen’s English and (hopefully) contributor to the 401k.

    • The Queen’s English is spoken in the USA, whoknew? I do recall a trip to LA where I stayed with a LoCal native, oh how she laughed when I tried to order a bottle of ‘water’ only to be met with a blank face which after a short period of time uttered back to me ‘Chicken?’.

      Are you dragging your Swede back with you?
      Have you been watching ‘All For Sweden’?

      ~The Dippylomst esq.

  8. madakanto says:

    I love “All For Sweden ” ,makes you wanna be Swedish !

  9. madakanto says:

    Indeed, but who would want to be American? I do have lovely American friends though.

  10. madakanto says:

    hahahahahaha !!!! I feel exactly the same, I just did not dare to say it !

  11. Carrie says:

    I must say, old chap, that I thought this dispatch was written really well. A lovely read!

  12. Thanking you kindly, Countess Carrie,

    And thank you for your Christmas telegram which arrived safely today.

    ~The Dippylomat esq.

  13. simon7banks says:

    In answer to your final question: Norway. Or possibly Nigeria, Albania, South Korea, South Dakota or anywhere a pretence to be spearheading an Abba revival would be effective.

    Good post. A story from my own experience of London: a crowded underground train. An elderly couple with TOURISTS written all over them (not literally, or at least not visibly on their outer garments, but they are dressed in neat casual clothes, carry guide-books and are conversing in a foreigh language I can’t, from my own position, identify) are beginning to converse more quickly, look around them, look up at the underground map and generally show signs of not being sure where to get off.

    Finally the man speaks to the nearest fellow-passenger, who happens to be a young Asian man, I’d guess ethnic Bangladeshi by appearance, standing holding on to one of those odd things we suspend from Underground train roofs. He says, “Excuse…”

    “Deutsch?” asks the young Bangladeshi. The man looks very, very surprised.

    “Ja.” He then asks a question in German, the young man replies in the same language, the couple look reassured and happy, they get off at the next station and the young man is left looking very pleased with himself.

  14. Sir Simon of Banks,

    Sitting on a London Underground carriage is one of the best places to see how wonderfully ethnically diverse the UK is, that and the best place to catch an infection normally only found in the remotest reaches of deepest, darkest Peru!

    ~The Dippylomat esq.

  15. Got my book says:

    You’re funny while still able to actually say something of value. It is so great to read your posts :) though I’m reading them backwords since I’m rather new to your blog.

    // Linnéa

  16. That is okay, Lady Linnea,

    The Chinese are avid readers of my Dispatches and they too read them backwards, a billion people can’t be wrong, eh?

    The Dippylomat esq

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